Rowley Jefferson and George Falconer

Dear Finn,

I woke up today at 8:30am and immediately, I brewed myself some coffee, squirted two shots of Vanilla, put a teaspoon of sugar, and headed back to my room to continue watching The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I started watching the movie two nights prior, but as work put too much weight on my eyelids, I didn't finish what started out as a pretty entertaining film.

I really like this character named Rowley Jefferson. He's this kid who just doesn't care about what people will say. He'll do the things he likes, say the things he likes, dresses the way he likes. He's an innocent and a free spirit and most importantly, a good friend. I love people like Rowley! Somehow, I wish I were a little bit more like Rowley. He is awesome without trying and I guess what drew people towards him was his truthfulness to himself. He had no pretension; you could tell he's honest and honesty is always the start of friendship. Honesty.

And then, I watched A Single Man starring Colin Firth. God was it depressing! And to honest with you Finn, I saw myself in George Falconer. The lonely single man stuck in a routine, playing a character, trying to play the part well; the difference between us though, is that he lost a great love. I've not lost anyone, in fact, I feel like I'm actually pushing possible boyfriends away. I keep thinking, had I let these guys who offered themselves to me into my heart, I would've already had a boyfriend instead of just wondering about having one. I would've. But I look back and tell myself that at that time, they weren't the type I was looking for, they didn't fit in the ideal, and for the ideal, I quit them, rather, shunned them. A few times that's already happened. Most recently with a boy named Sherwin who almost too literally offered his love to me. And I, the cynic, the unbeliever, the corporate whore who put work before a social life, denied him of a chance and denied myself the possibility of something beautiful to grow. Sigh. I'm not sure if I regret my decisions. All I know is that I am worried of becoming a lonely, lonely single man. A career will not keep me warm during long, cold nights they say. And it's true. I am freezing cold.

I wish you were here. We could have dinner after a long day's work. We could have a giant burger with fries or a giant steak with lotsa gravy and mashed potatos or kernel corn! Or, we could have coffee afterwards. Anything! Or, we could have takeout and eat inside a car (yours or mine, doesn't matter), or even maybe park somewhere we can see the nigh sky, watching stars, bodies close, hands locked, stories shared. Sigh. I do wish you were here.

Love,

Your silly hillbilly