A Blue Christmas

Dear Finn,

Loneliness is a pit that drills itself silly in my chest. I am one of the many who are blues-stricken this holiday season. And what I hate most is that there is no reason why I should be lonely.

I just came from an awesome family holiday vacation where the world's 8th wonder stands undefeated by the times. Banaue.

I just had a fabulous albeit quiet noche buena in my Lola's house.

I just received a good appraisal and two bonuses care of a hardworking chairman and a prolific 2010 the company had.

I have the the most inspiring bosses and the best officemates, the core team at least.

I have the best friends I could ask for. True, they may not be as accessible for a nightout in the middle of the week to drink and do stupid things with when I feel like it, but that's because they all live so far away and are frustratingly too busy (like me). But I share with them a connection, a deep once in a lifetime friendship, an intimacy I dare declare that I count myself lucky to have them.

I also have the best support system I could ever wish for: a loving set of parents, the most caring and amusing sisters and brother, the world's greatest grandmother.

I could not ask for more. So much so I count myself blessed that when asked what I want for Christmas, I can't even name one! Honestly. I am that lucky.

Okay fine, a higher salary wouldn't hurt, and more trips abroad, and all that. But those are just peripherals, added bonuses. Essentially, I have what I need and what I want, I don't mind working for and waiting to get.

So why do I feel so lonely?

There is no reason to. Or, is there? What is this weight in my chest? Like a teenager who listens to Dashboard Confessional, I ask what is this hollow growing inside? Damn.

That aside, a festive New Year to ya'll! I hope you had a merry little Christmas.

Cheers!

hillbilly

Thank you for friends

Dear Finn,

I'm so thankful for my friends. And I feel fortunate to be somebody's friend, that in spite of my imperfections and my eccentricities, somebody is still willing to meet me halfway across the city to have dinner with me and listen to me babble.

That's all.

Love always,

your Corporate Hillbilly
hee-yah-hee-yah yo!
LOL

JR the Bear

Dear Finn,

There's this cute guy in the office that I really like and I have feeling might like like me too. Why do I say so? First let me tell you about him. JR is an officemate who was recently transferred to our Singapore branch. That's all! Hahaha! When he came back, he made dungaw (peep) from my lungga (cave), my tiny square of an office area, to say hello and make kwento (to tell a story) a bit.

"Hello!" he said.
"Hey! You're back! How have you been?" I exclaimed.

Wow, he has the cutest, most sparkling slits for eyes I've seen. He bloated in Singapore though. Probably been eating his loneliness away. He said so himself that it is very lonely to be far away from home. Sigh. I wouldn't mind giving him a hug. A GIANT BEAR HUG FOR A BEAR LIKE HIM! Hahaha! Cheesy shit. I do love the moustache his grown. Suits him well. Bagay na bagay. Sexy dare I say.

Going off track now. A friend says that I might have a chance, but as I'm never good with making first moves or communicating an attraction, I am really troubled. I want to show it, but I'm worried about how he's going to take it ("it" being my attention). I'll just be subtle I guess. Meaningful glances. Playful smiles. I hope he's smart enough to read the signs.

I have until Friday to let my "feelings" show. Gosh I feel like a slut. And I will admit to my very nasty intentions. Finn, I am ashamed of myself but also excited. What the fuck. Ambivalence truly is a curious thing.


Cheers!


Billy

Dance Dance Dancin' at O!

Dear Finn,

Bri and I went to O Bar last night, the one in Home Depot, Ortigas, and I got to say that I had a great, great time! Being in the company of gay guys is an atmosphere and an experience to behold! I see drag queens (in micro minis, killer heals, and busting chests), and I want to say to them, "Go gurls!" I see effem guys (in perfectly shaved, thin eyebrows and powedery cheeks), and I want to say to them, "Shake it sista!" I see buff boys (busting pecs, busting arms, flat stomachs), and I want to say to them, "Nicely done!" And then I see those very-straight-looking dudes (those you would never ever suspect), and I want to say to them, "Nice to see you out where I could see you!" It's liberation, the I-don't-give-a-damn kind. I see those dancing agogo boys on stage, sweating like a porn star, smiling oh so deviously, and I just stare, shamelessly.

I'm not the best dancer, but with the right music, I might just be. Haha! I can still hear Katy Perry's "Firework" and Rihanna's "Only Girl in the World". And then the best part was when they played some Glee songs. Now I'm not really into Glee, but when they played Darren Criss' version of "Teenage Dream" (still biased just because I love the original), the gays gone wild, even Bri who was in full character.

Did we end hooking up with anyone? Well... no. I think us being together and being together all the time was cock block! Hahaha! Never thought that'd apply in gay world, but actually it does. The gays probably thought we were together together. But good goddess, no way! Haha!

The psychedelic laser lights, the thumping beats, the grinding bodies, the stolen caresses, the teasing electric eye contacts, the beer, the smoke, the fog machine.... it was magic Finn and I'm sure you would've loved it! Just a while back, I texted Bri that that night was the way to unwind after days and days of overtime. Definitely worth coming back to! :)


Cheers!

billy

Rowley Jefferson and George Falconer

Dear Finn,

I woke up today at 8:30am and immediately, I brewed myself some coffee, squirted two shots of Vanilla, put a teaspoon of sugar, and headed back to my room to continue watching The Diary of a Wimpy Kid. I started watching the movie two nights prior, but as work put too much weight on my eyelids, I didn't finish what started out as a pretty entertaining film.

I really like this character named Rowley Jefferson. He's this kid who just doesn't care about what people will say. He'll do the things he likes, say the things he likes, dresses the way he likes. He's an innocent and a free spirit and most importantly, a good friend. I love people like Rowley! Somehow, I wish I were a little bit more like Rowley. He is awesome without trying and I guess what drew people towards him was his truthfulness to himself. He had no pretension; you could tell he's honest and honesty is always the start of friendship. Honesty.

And then, I watched A Single Man starring Colin Firth. God was it depressing! And to honest with you Finn, I saw myself in George Falconer. The lonely single man stuck in a routine, playing a character, trying to play the part well; the difference between us though, is that he lost a great love. I've not lost anyone, in fact, I feel like I'm actually pushing possible boyfriends away. I keep thinking, had I let these guys who offered themselves to me into my heart, I would've already had a boyfriend instead of just wondering about having one. I would've. But I look back and tell myself that at that time, they weren't the type I was looking for, they didn't fit in the ideal, and for the ideal, I quit them, rather, shunned them. A few times that's already happened. Most recently with a boy named Sherwin who almost too literally offered his love to me. And I, the cynic, the unbeliever, the corporate whore who put work before a social life, denied him of a chance and denied myself the possibility of something beautiful to grow. Sigh. I'm not sure if I regret my decisions. All I know is that I am worried of becoming a lonely, lonely single man. A career will not keep me warm during long, cold nights they say. And it's true. I am freezing cold.

I wish you were here. We could have dinner after a long day's work. We could have a giant burger with fries or a giant steak with lotsa gravy and mashed potatos or kernel corn! Or, we could have coffee afterwards. Anything! Or, we could have takeout and eat inside a car (yours or mine, doesn't matter), or even maybe park somewhere we can see the nigh sky, watching stars, bodies close, hands locked, stories shared. Sigh. I do wish you were here.

Love,

Your silly hillbilly